She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
