my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
