I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
