Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
