My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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