The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
