I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
