I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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