Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
