Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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