When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
