I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
