he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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