I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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