Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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