What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
