We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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