It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
