The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
