Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
