i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
