Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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