This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
