Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It's blow job season.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
