I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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