Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
