I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
please come you make the beer taste better
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
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