I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
