I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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