The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize