I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
