the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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