i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
