I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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