Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
