I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
