i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
