this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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