now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
