I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize