don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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