I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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