turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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