your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
