Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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