You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
