Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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