I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
