Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
