I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
