Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
