plz talk dirty to me
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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