I accidentally had phone sex last night
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
