kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize