question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
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