I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
