dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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