I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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