I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
