I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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