i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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