my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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