An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
