planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
