How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
