I met the friendliest cop last night
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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