I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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