The maid of honor just puked.
I will die if light touches me.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
