never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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