His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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