so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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