Im at strip club and am horny
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize