i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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