and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
