i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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