Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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